Please can you just get out of your denial? This is already heartbreaking enough. I can’t believe you have been lying to us this whole damn time. This family is a fucking lie. This is bullshit. If you really fucking loved us you would have never done this. You wouldn’t have. I just am so fucking disappointed in you. You have lost my trust. I can’t believe this..

You say you trust me yet you are constantly hinting to me that you don’t by continuously reminding me of things I should or shouldn’t do. Every day it’s the same exact lecture from the both of you. I am fucking sick and tired of it. I really honestly am. I tell you I understand and that I will always try my best to stay obedient but if you keep bombarding me with this constant pressure to be perfect it only kills my motivation. I am not doing any of this for you. I am not going to school for you just because you want me to do. I don’t get straight A’s for only you. I don’t smoke, do drugs and party all night but that isn’t because you told me not to. It’s because I don’t want to. It really isn’t about what you want at all. It’s my life and I choose to be the way I am because of how I want to grow up living. But still, it isn’t because of you. I’m not a good person because you’re making me, but because I fucking want to be a good person. Of course the way you have raised me influences me to always try to be better and good but honestly I could have chosen to dismiss all of this and become some low-life loser. I still can but I chose not to because I want to live for myself and the people I care about which includes you.

However, this drive to be perfect is embedded in my head and you’re the one who put it there in the first place. Do you know how unhealthy and nerve-wrecking this is? To always want to be perfect? Nobody is perfect. Nobody can ever be perfect and I know this yet I still am trying to achieve the impossible. Why? You’ll put me to shame if I don’t. You put this look of dismay on whenever I make mistakes. I raise my voice, I’m automatically a horrible person. I disagree with you and argue back, I’m automatically satan. I don’t understand an assignment and I’m automatically a failure. This is one of the reasons why I don’t ever dare ask any of you for help anymore. Even as a child, you’ve always been so hard on me just because my sister wasn’t the perfect child you dreamed of. Look where she is now, a successful young woman trying to live her life the best she can and all you do is put her down. How could you expect someone to achieve happiness and success in their life if all you do is strangle them with your high expectations?

With all due respect, you have no right to tell me I am a fucking disrespectful, rude, horrible and failure. You don’t. Look at your fucking lives. We’re all fucking miserable and it’s all your fault.

I don’t know what to feel honestly about everything. Like you said, you can’t expect me to be happy with what your decision is. You’re telling me to not let it affect me but what you’re asking for is impossible. I can’t just be okay with my whole entire life changing with you two. I tried so hard to just hold in those tears and pretend like I’m okay. I sat there thinking about anything but what you were saying, just anything so I can get my mind off of it. I don’t want any of you to leave. I don’t want my family to change. I really don’t but it’s selfish of me to even tell this to you. I’ll continuously just lie to myself and tell me it’s okay no matter what you do. I know you love me so much that you even put my happiness before yours but don’t. I just want you both as my parents to be happy because that’s what you both deserve. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry that everything is like this. I wish so much that I could change everything but I can’t. All I want right now is just someone to lend me that shoulder to cry on. Someone to just tell me everything will be okay even if it won’t. I’m just so fucking sad. This is a whole entirely different kind of pain. I don’t think anything can compare to the feeling of your entire family breaking apart. I just… want everyone to be happy so badly. Why is this so hard for us? Is this so much to ask for? Nobody has been happy these last 3 years and now we’re all living but not feeling. I just can’t take this. I just can’t. I pray to God begging for his help but I feel like help is never coming. I just fucking wish everything could go back to how it used to be when I was little. I never had to worry about a single thing. Family problems? What are those? I want to be that naive innocent little girl who never had to worry about a thing.

But I can’t get what I want. You’re telling me you want me to be happy but I can’t be happy no matter what you do. I don’t want to live life without my parents both there. I just don’t want to. Life wouldn’t be complete at all. I’ll always have this sense of sadness just clinging onto me telling me things aren’t right. I’m just so unhappy with this. I’m not okay with it. Even though I don’t deserve this, you can’t do a single thing about it. You can’t. Why can’t you both just magically fall in love again and we can all just be happy? I know one day I will have to live life without you but right now isn’t that time. I’m still young. I still need you both as my parents. I need you so much you don’t even know. I still can’t make your decisions however. So I’m just going to pray to God hoping he will help you both make the best decision possible for everyone. I know that things won’t be the same but the least I could do is try to be happy with what I have. This uncertainty is embedded in my brain and I can’t ignore it. I wish everything would be okay again. I’m not a strong person at all. I’m easily broken. I’m sensitive. How am I supposed to deal with this new change in my life if I can’t even take care of myself? I’m living in this house filled with depression and all we’ve doing is trying to escape. And now, it’s finally hitting us all. I’m just so fucking sorry about how things are. I don’t feel like I can do anything anymore. I just can’t.

Can everyone shut the fuck up please? There is never a fucking day where this place is silent and peaceful. Everyone is always screaming and yelling and pissing everyone off. Why can’t you guys just leave each other alone and then there will be no problems. Shit. Leave me alone because I don’t even want to talk to you. Stop fucking telling me to shut up you rude ass fucking ass bitch. I fucking hate your guts. This household is what turns me into a fucking asshole. You can’t understand why I’m always in a bad mood because you’re the ones who always put me in one in the first place. Fuck. I don’t even talk to anyone, it’s always you guys who initiate every argument. Then you drag me into it and take all your moodiness on me. Why the fuck…it makes no sense. If you have a problem, deal with it like I do every single fucking day. Do something about what makes you fucking unhappy all the time. Unlike me, you have a choice whether or not to leave this family. If you don’t like it, then just fucking go.

You have no idea of how I feel half the time which is pretty much shit. Nobody ever takes into consideration of how I ever feel. I try my best to be neutral and kind yet you just continuously push my buttons until I fucking explode. Sometimes I just want to sit my ass down and cry like there’s no tomorrow. I just want stand there and scream from the top of my lungs until you guys realize how ridiculous you’re being. Just SHUT UP. Seriously, shutting the fuck up with result in no arguments or problems. Don’t even talk to each other if you know all you’re going to do is argue. And lastly, stop butting into everyone’s business. If you fuck off and give everyone space then we can all be happy.

I’m about ready to pound the walls and fucking kick down your door and scream at you. FUCKING SHUT UP. How many times do I have to kick my wall and scream the words ‘SHUT THE FUCK UP’ FOR YOU TO ACTUALLY GET THE POINT AND BE QUIET. GOD DAMN. PEOPLE NEED THEIR SLEEP. EVERY FUCKING SCHOOL DAY YOU GUYS ARE SO DAMN NOISY TIL LIKE MIDNIGHT. SERIOUSLY. I NEED TO WAKE UP AT 6 EVERY MORNING AND WITH YOUR GOD DAMN SIDE CONVERSATIONS I CANNOT EVEN SLEEP PEACEFULLY WITHOUT GETTING ANGRY AND WANTING TO WRING EVERYONE’S NECKS. FUCKING SHIT. 

I could go on and on about how upset and angry I get. You are part of my top reasons for getting mad. Even when I blast my music up to drown out your stupid voices I can still hear them. What the flying effing eff. Gosh. You make me cuss and go all ape shit for the stupidest reasons. If it’s one thing that irritates me the most, one of them would be being disrupted during my sleep. I cannot stand bitches who try to fuck with me when I’m sleeping. I will mother fucking kick you in your balls and throw you in the trash can. GOD JUST SHUT UP. I CAN’T EVER LIVE PEACEFULLY WITH YOU GUYS HERE.

*One more fucking thing I really hate about you guys. Is it seriously necessary to even BE here? I’m going to be respectable now and discuss this is orderly mannered fashion. Seriously, why do you even live at our house? First of all you are not even invited yet you just claimed you were going to live here for the rest of your god damn lives because you don’t feel like paying for rent. Really? REALLY? Do you, out of all people, have to work every day or go to school? Do you have to earn money to pay for your whole family’s needs? Do you have to even work to get money? No you don’t. You don’t do anything except stay here and freeload off of us. You don’t have to support anyone but yourselves. You don’t even need to work to earn money. The government gives you money. Does the government give my parents money? No they don’t. Instead they work their asses off to pay for this expensive fucking house and for your extra asses. You don’t even fucking offer to pay for ANYTHING. NOT EVEN YOUR OWN ELECTRICITY OR WATER BILLS. NOTHING AT ALL. NOTHING. You’re just being a moocher. God, if it’s one thing I hate even more then being interrupted while sleeping it would be people who just mooch off others. Moochers = unnecessary people who invade your life. UGH. We don’t need you. You should just move back to L.A. and stay there because that’s where you belong. Not here. Not here where you make everyone upset and pissed off. AND ESPECIALLY ME SINCE MY ROOM JUST HAS TO BE RIGHT NEXT TO YOURS AND THE WALLS ARE SO DAMN THIN THAT I CAN HEAR EVERY SINGLE BREATH AND STEP YOU TAKE. I seriously don’t give a flying fuck if you’re talking or noisy during the day. BUT WHEN I’M SLEEPING AT NIGHT THEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO BE A LITTLE QUIETER SO I DON’T HAVE TO HEAR YOU ALL NIGHT LONG DAMN IT. THIS WHOLE WEEK I’VE JUST BEEN WANTING TO SCREAM AND KILL EVERYONE WHILE SLEEPING.

You complain about my attitude all the time. You tell me that it needs to change or ‘else’. Really now? You’re gonna tell ME to change my attitude when you haven’t even changed your own? You are the reason everyone is so distant and broken apart. You are the reason why she gets depressed and sick. You are the reason why she’s in so much pain all the time. You are the reason why this family treats each other like shit. Fuck. You complain all the time about there being no changes around here. Well maybe that’s because YOU haven’t took the time to change yourself. Not everything is our fault. This all started because of you anyways. Your lack of care for everyone and everything. Your warped personality that doesn’t notice anything anymore. When is the last time everything was okay? I don’t even know. Probably never. You’re continually putting yourself in denial. Whenever you do something wrong and screw shit up, who do you blame? Not yourself, but us. You’re own fucking family. That’s why I don’t believe in that ‘family is always there for you’ BULLSHIT. Cause it’s not true. If you were there for me you would take the time to understand my feelings and everyone else’s feelings. Do you do that? NO. You don’t. You don’t do anything but sit in your room all day shunning everyone from your life. I cannot fucking help but be a total bitch to you when you talk to me because you never have anything nice to say to anyone. You just ignore what we say and continuously joke around about things I don’t care about. Sometimes, those ‘playing around’ jokes fucking offend me alright? Then you get upset because I get upset. Well what the fuck! Am I supposed to be happy when you’re making fun of me and calling me names I don’t appreciate being called? Shit. And you make me feel so unappreciated all the time. I try so hard in school to get good grades and you’re fucking getting mad and tripping out about one B+. WELL FUCKS MAN IT’S A PROGRESS REPORT. IT ISN’T THE END OF THE WORLD SO JUST SAY GOOD JOB FOR ONCE. I don’t even get good grades for you guys, I get them for myself. At least I appreciate my own effort unlike you.

Every time I try to be serious with you, you always get butthurt and lecture me about shit. I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT. I DON’T CARE. I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO YOU EXCEPT THAT EVERYTHING IS ALMOST ALL YOUR FAULT.