jadeasaur

Here I am awake when I should be sleeping. I don’t really know where to start with this except to say I feel so genuinely and truly sad. Well that isn’t surprising at all I mean, who wouldn’t be after all of this?

When this first started, I was quite afraid but happy at the same time. I could finally have what I wanted and that was simply put as you. This was the happiest time of my life; I couldn’t have been more overjoyed being with you. I gradually started to trust you again. I opened up myself much more than I ever had. I put myself in a vulnerable spot but it never occurred to me that anything bad would happen. Often times we are so clouded by the happy thoughts that we don’t take the time to brace ourselves for the bad things that might come. I honestly don’t regret anything at all except that I wasn’t able to keep things from falling apart in the end. My effort, my love, my concerns, just me. They just weren’t enough. There is no one to blame though. Things simply change over time, its unstoppable. As much I want to, as much as I would beg for, there is nothing I can do to change anything. It is just one of those things you have to accept and move on from. I know I can be strong about this but it’s just hard. I have never in my right mind felt so strongly for someone except for you. I have never loved another person. I have never allowed anyone to step beyond my comfort zones. I have never felt so sure and strong about a relationship. I have never felt so happy with anyone in my life. The future seemed so bright. I never acknowledged the downfalls. I embraced what I could. There were too many good things to be focusing on the bad ones. I’m sad that it was so short-lived. It was a lovely 3 months spent. I don’t take back anything starting with our first kiss. I don’t want you to forget about how important I once was to you. It’s just hard to accept that someone you cared for so deeply just suddenly doesn’t feel the same way anymore. It’s just plain hard. I’m trying to just be okay but it’s not happening, not now. What’s even more pathetic is that I would take you back in an instance. No questions asked. I always wondered why girls always went back to their significant others but now I understand. It’s indescribable. You can’t just leave without feeling a sense of hope that maybe one day things will come together again. Oh, I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter. I just need to let this all out so I can work on trying to feel better. Still I can already sense this week being absolutely dreadful. I wish things didn’t turn out this way. I wish there was something I could do. I wish I could at least see you once before we decided to end things. I wish there was some fucking way I could make things right again. Welps, too bad I don’t believe in wishes anymore.

God, I’m so sorry. I really am so sorry. I didn’t mean to do this. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for ruining your night. I really didn’t want to make you unhappy or hurt you. Why did things have to end this way. The fact that you keep saying it’s okay, makes me feel even more horrible because I know it’s not okay. I’m such a coward. I really am. I hate crying so much. It’s embarrassing and I wish I could just stop but I can’t. This makes everything even worse because I know you’re hurting just as much. I’m sorry. If only you knew how sorry I was. Now this makes me wish I just kept quiet and didn’t tell you the truth. Then maybe that way you’d be able to just be happy. I honestly don’t mind getting hurt by people anymore. I rather be sad than to have you be sad because of me. It’s just better that way. It really is. Now I’m just going to sit here in bad and wonder why I’m such a horrible person. I’m just so sorry. I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve any of this at all. I’m sorry. You said you understand everything but I can’t forgive myself. I just can’t forgive myself. I can’t.

All I’ve been doing lately is apologizing over and over for the same thing. It’s like the words “I’m sorry” are the only ones that could come out of my mouth. I’m sorry I feel like this. I don’t want to complicate your life by bringing you into mines. There’s no need for anyone get so close to me anymore since it’ll do you no good. It’s better off if you live your own life and I live mine. I don’t know why I don’t want to be close to anyone anymore. The more isolation the more comfort I feel in a way. At least this way I am assured that I could never hurt anybody and I myself would never run into any harmful casualties concerning my feelings. That guarantee of no harm is appealing to me but at the same time I crave affection. This makes no sense to me whatsoever. I’m just tired of hurting peoples’ feelings even when I don’t try to. It hurts me just as much to let a friend down or hurt them in any sort of emotional way. Why is everything so complicated?

Of course I don’t want to be completely alone. There will always be those close friends I will never leave and then those friends I enjoy spending time with or talking to. Sigh, I just hate being a downer.

Family Trips

They should be fun-filled experiences where everyone is just happy spending time with each other, relaxing and just being your plain old self. Why is it that I always have problems whenever I’m with my entire family? This was one of the worst trips I’ve ever been on, although I should be thankful for it, I wish I stayed home. I wish I didn’t even bother going… Why? I had almost no fun. The most fun I had was buying Starbucks. How joyful. 90% of the time I was annoyed and upset and tired and mad and bored. I was grumpy. I was sleepy. I was sick of all the little kids running and screaming and disrupting my sleep and making noise and just being plain annoying little brats.

There was nothing to do. I had no signal on my phone. There’s no one to talk to my age. I thought that the aunties would actually plan something entertaining for us kids to do but I guess no. Everyone was all anticipating the drinking for New Years and here I am just sitting here like… Okay. I actually might have been okay with our vacation in Tahoe if you guys didn’t have to have your stupid little side comments. Just because you’re adults, you think you can say anything you want and it’s automatically okay and correct. No. It’s not. I’m really tired of my family members who think it’s okay to say whatever the hell they want just because we’re family. How does that make any sense? Shouldn’t you treat me even better and closer? Yet why is it that you insult and criticize me only? That just puts me in a shitty and angry mood.

And why would you get mad at us for not doing anything while you guys were all drinking and getting drunk? First of all, there’s nothing to do. Secondly, it’s not like the kids can drink and shit anyways. And third, I’m the one who got fuckingtrash cans for you guys to throw up in. God. I’m just so freaking glad to be home. I just wish so badly that I stayed home. I’m so annoyed of everyone. I hate how everyone treats me like shit. I just hate it. This is why I never believe that ‘family is always there for you’ bullshit. UGH.

Now my sister is acting like a huge asshole to me when I didn’t even do anything. Fuckity fuck fuck. These feelings of wanting to hurt someone are coming back to me. I sometimes wonder how the fuck do I have all this self control to not stab somebody. I feel ashamed for feeling this way because I want to love my family but it’s hard. It really is. I just feel like crying. It’s so difficult to deal with your family sometimes. I know everyone has issues and are probably worse than mine but it still freaking sucks. It just does. Why does everything have to be so broken?

I just want you guys to leave me alone. I never try to initiate an argument. They only happen when you guys treat me like fucking shit. Why the fuck do I have to pretend that I’m okay with your shitty attitude? Cause I’m fucking NOT.

It hurts me every time you say you want to leave this family. It really does. It seems like nothing is ever enough for you. I’m sorry you’re unhappy but you can’t just sit there and expect things to get better. It won’t. Nothing will change unless you make those changes yourself. I understand your pain Mom. He’s neglectful. He doesn’t communicate with us. He distances himself from everyone. I understand. I feel the same way you do. I hate just even being here at home every day just feeling all these thoughts of anger once I see him. It literally kills me to pretend to act nice especially since I feel that he doesn’t even deserve my love and kindness sometimes. But why do you feel the need to blame yourself for his actions? It’s not even your fault he’s like this. It’s his own fault for isolating himself from the family. Do you know how many times I have tried to knock some sense into him? You already know what happens when we try to talk to him about our family problems. He constantly stays in denial and claims that his business is none of our business. How hypocritical since he always claims that my business is of his concern. I don’t see how it should be if he’s going to be all sneaky and secretive towards the family. I’m sick and tired of these secrets and arguments over pointless crap. All this yelling and depression is enough. It’s not needed. So why does everyone keep persisting?

I honestly hate everything about our family. I don’t hate the people, I just hate this situation we’re in. It’s a horrible denatured situation. There is no love anywhere. I feel so awkward when I attend American church and I see everyone hugging and kissing each other as an offering of a sign of peace towards their loved ones and here I am just shaking my parent’s hands. I don’t even like to touch them in any kind of intimate way. It’s awkward and just shows how much we’ve all distanced from each other. Compared to how open I was about my feelings when I was little, the me now doesn’t even dare talk about feelings. You guys just don’t understand. Nobody understands each other and the lack of communication and effort has torn us all apart.

Am I sad? Of course. Who wants their family torn apart so effortlessly? It wasn’t intentional but it progressed steadily anyways. I never asked for this. I never prayed for this to happen but it did. I think we’re all better off alone anyways. You both might as well divorce already. Stop lying to yourselves. I know you don’t love her anymore and I know you still love him. It sucks being the one who cares more, they end up being the person who hurts the most in the end. If nobody steps up to resolve anything, we’ll continue being the loveless family we already were. Is this really how you want to live?

You know that feeling where you just want to cry and show everyone how upset you are? Yet at the same time you don’t want to show them you’re weak. So what do you do? Laugh. Smile. Laugh and smile and act like everything in the damn world is okay. Hahaha. Why? Just to prevent those tears dying to pour out to just stay inside left unnoticed. Avoid those questions of ‘Are you okay?’ and ‘What’s wrong?’. Cause you know if you were to say a single word, then everything would just come pouring out. To keep everything inside is such a nerve-wrecking task to do every single day. Prevent yourself from showing your true feelings and emotions.
But sometimes, you just can’t. You just want to explode and tell that one person who makes you feel so miserable you wish you never met them. Why did you bother coming into my life anyways? Just to make everything shitty? Well you accomplished that. Everything’s a piece of shit because of you. Thanks. Words can’t explain how hurt I am. Every time I tell myself I don’t care it just seems to gnaw the back of brain, as if I’m intentionally lying to myself just to make things okay. I’m sick and tired of my stupid feelings that always bring me down. It seems like there’s nothing to be happy for anymore. These piles of unmotivated thoughts of distress seem to weigh more on my brain rather than those hopeful happy ones. It’s really not like me to even be this way but I just can’t help it. I’m just sorry how everything turned out to be. Disappointment is all I have.

I find myself caring less and less about you as time goes on.

It has gone to the point where I never think about you at all. You really truly mean nothing at all to me and I’m happy with that. I don’t need you to supply me with happiness anymore. I’m already happy on my own. I guess this is what you call ‘moving on’.

I hate you. I hate you so much. Words can never describe how much I want to just hurt you. To put you in my shoes for once. You don’t know anything about how I feel. You have no clue what I go through every single damn day because of you. I want you to just leave already. I can’t stand being around you anymore. I thought things would get better as we grew up and matured but things only got worse. You blame everything little thing on me. Everything is my fault. Everything is. Nothing about me is good enough for you. I’m pathetic, stupid, rude, disrespectful and childish in your eyes. How would you feel having to live like that every day? To think about how you’ll never be good enough to your own blood sister. That you’re a failure. You can’t do anything right. You’re just an idiot because they say so. Fuck, you don’t know how much I hate the things you say. Your stupid lectures… I just want to choke you so you can’t say another word to me. I don’t like it. I don’t like the way you think you can control my whole life.

You don’t mean half as much as everyone else means to me. You don’t deserve the love I give you. You don’t deserve any of it. Who is the one who’s always there for you when you’re going through the rough patches in your life? That’s right, it’s me. I sit there and listen to you while you cry about how shitty everything is. What about me? You yell and fucking scream at me when I’m depressed. The fuck is that supposed to do for me? I hate you. You don’t understand me at all. I don’t live for you. I live for myself. I do everything for me and not you. I never once saw myself as a bad person until you started pounding my head with negative thoughts of myself. You make me feel like shit. I feel like shit. Eventually I started believing in all these negative things you impacted on me. Despite how hard I try to be a good person, I’ll never feel like one because of you. Your words affect me so much you don’t even know. Every time you call me a stupid fucking bitch, I feel fucking hurt. Shit like that shouldn’t even make an impact but it does when it’s coming from a family member.

Life is so horrible because of you. I’m blaming you for everything. You really are the core reason of all my unhappiness. You really are. If only you were gone I could just enjoy life for once without having to worry about your ass. You tell me to grow up… but you’re the one who needs to grow up. You took everything away from me. My voice, my thoughts, my freedom, every fucking thing in this world. You yell and yell and yell for what seems like a never ending forever. What can I say? Nothing. You don’t let me say a word. I hate how you fucking believe you deserve respect. You don’t deserve anything from me. Least of all, respect. You say respect needs to be earned? Well what have you done for me that makes you think you should get respect? NOTHING. Nothing at all except for making my life a living hell I can’t get out of. Why do you bother talking to me at all if you’re only going to end up screaming at me what a ‘fucking bitch’ or ‘stupid asshole’ I am? I don’t want to talk to you. I never do. You just constantly invade my space of privacy and force me to converse with you whether I like it or not. You expect so much from me. Everything about you just frustrates me so damn much. Sometimes I just want to kill you. Fuck. Thank God that he helps me get through all this horrible shit you put me through or else I would’ve hurt you already. I hate feeling like this. Look at what kind of person you turned me into. I would never hurt anyone except you. I can’t help but feel this way. It’s all your fault. You did this to yourself. How’s that feel? Your sister wants to hurt you bad enough to kill you.

You make me mad. I seriously don’t get why you have to act they way you do. I always feel like you’re lying to me. Why don’t you just tell me what’s on your mind? It’s like you don’t trust me or you’re just hiding things from me. Don’t. Just tell me the straight up truth. Why worry about hurting my feelings? There is no need to. Honestly, I really don’t care. You don’t need to care either. I don’t need pity and friendship because I’m better without you anyways. So stop coming back thinking you owe me something, cause you don’t. I don’t want you to pretend you care if deep down inside you don’t give a flying shit about me. There’s no use in trying anymore because everything is over. Things will never be the same and I will just have to accept it. I’m fine.